Nesting: Can we share the house post-divorce?

If you are going through a divorce, and have kids, you have probably heard about the concept of nesting. Nesting is the trend of divorcing parties deciding to keep their children in the home while the parents switch living in the residence. This isn’t a new concept, however the idea has picked up steam in the last few years, and has benefitted many families as a result! 

On paper, yes, this concept is great for many reasons! Namely that your children don’t need to move houses, nor do you need to schedule pickups/drop-offs in neutral locations. Additionally, keeping the home can benefit parents who don’t want to sell their home in a bad market.  

These are all obvious wins; however, the success of any solution is based on the divorcing-couple, and their needs. Every divorce is different. Every co-parenting relationship is different. Just like every family is different and has unique needs. Therefore, when considering parenting time and housing, it is important to consider the possible positives and negatives of any solution. For example, I wouldn’t suggest nesting to a couple where one party is trying to coercively control the other. Or in a high conflict situation where parents regularly participate in petty behavior (whether it’s one parent or both). 

When clients suggest nesting as an option, I like to ask the following questions. (If you are considering this, then you should ask yourself these questions too!)  

*Please note: before asking these questions, I would have already screened for domestic violence, coercive control, and high conflict. If you are struggling with these issues, it is unlikely nesting will be appropriate. 

How did you split chores before the separation? If they are living together now, how are you splitting chores currently?  

Think about it. If you were struggling to divide household labour fairly before, you will likely hit the same roadblocks in nesting. That’s why in mediation we would discuss how household expenses and chores will be split. Further, we would discuss how to remedy the situation if one party isn’t following the agreement. Perhaps I might even suggest a trial period where the parties try the nesting method during separation to see if it works for them.  

Are you dating another person? Do you have plans to get married soon? If you were dating someone, would nesting still be a viable option? When would you introduce a potential mate to your kids? Are you prepared to live with reminders of your ex-spouse and their new life? 

It can be so easy to write an agreement when you are both in a good mood, but what happens when the dynamic changes? Sometimes when a new partner enters the picture, your plans can change. Discussing the possibilities of this can be uncomfortable; however, ironing out these details can be beneficial when changes arise. Another reason to consider these questions is because each parent will be living not only with the kids, but with the other parent’s possessions. It can be disheartening and triggering to see reminders of your ex-spouse. Being honest about your capacity to deal with these uncomfortable feelings is important.  

Can you both financially afford to nest? Where would you live on your “off-time?” Is there a separate living suite where the other parent lives during their “off-time?” 

I mentioned before that nesting can save you money on your home investment (i.e. selling when the market is better), however with nesting comes the issue of where clients will live when they aren’t parenting. Sometimes, parties have a large home or a rental unit on the property which can then become the second residence for both parents to use when not parenting. This is great in low-conflict situations. The children then benefit from knowing mom and/or dad is always still accessible to them. However, having an extra home in your home is rare! Therefore, discussing your alternative living arrangements is important! 

During non-parenting time, some parents choose to live with relatives or their new partners. Some parents rent another apartment to share in an effort to save money. These factors are dependent on realistic costs and the dynamic between co-parents. Discussing the realities of paying the mortgage and (possibly) 2 rental units is important to consider!  

Although these considerations can be overwhelming, having the conversation in mediation is low-risk and can lead to tangible solutions for the entire family! 

If you’d like to learn more about your options, feel free to contact me at (647) 482-4987 or info@ERFmediation.ca to book your free video consultation.